PIECES OF ME - Music no more

I am really feeling down that I have to write about how I am feeling right now. It just kills me inside to hold  this in my heart.

If you know me, personally or thru this blog, you know how music is such a big part of my life. You''ve probably seen my music posts or know that I do in fact sing. So, a few weeks back, I've decided to pursue my love for music by joining a singing contest that is one of the biggest I have known. I am not the best singer there is. My voice probably is not so extraordinary as most singers are but if there's one thing I can be proud of is that my voice is unique and entirely mine. Joining that contest was one of the riskiest and biggest step I took in terms of my music. I  never had vocal training or never studied music before but for this contest, I've been practicing my piece for weeks and weeks until I know I never could have done it better. 

You're probably thinking if I don't have any training, what makes me so confident that I could make it in this contest. Well, I feel it in my bones. I know it sounds far fetched but I really do. I know I could sing, I know I can work hard to win. I know I could do my best. The only problem I had was no one has heard me sing. Sure my family and friends has heard me sing for fun but none has seen me sing my heart out or sing at the top of my lungs. If you have been following this blog, you know that I have the habit of singing before I sleep. The real reason is that I sing before I sleep so it's dark and I see nothing and no one would see me. I've never sung solo in front of other people. 

The day of the audition, I patiently wait for my turn for the initial screening of contestants. Each was given 30 seconds to sing then you'll know if you made it to the next round of screening. The screening was done outdoors and in front of the queue of other hopeful contestants. When it was my turn I changed my song at the last second and my voice was cracking until there was almost no voice coming out from me. I was choking through my singing until the time given elapsed. The caster then said "thank you for coming" but even before he said it I knew i didn't make it. I knew I didn't do my best. I knew that wasn't how I sing. I knew I could have done better. 

I always been afraid to sing in front of people. My singing voice is kinda different and when some people hear me sing, they laugh at me or make fun of me. I know that it should not affect me but that was kind of the reason why I never sing in front of others. I was afraid people would only make fun of me. I've always been scared that others would laugh at me. The last time I auditioned for anything was at least a decade ago. After I sang, I was so scared that I immediately cried on stage. So during this screening, I had to sing again in front of at least three thousand other contestants and I made a mess. I made a fool of myself. 

I feel devastated. Not only did that incident made me more scared than ever to sing in front of people but I feel I was not able to show how good I am. I feel that my chance of showing the world the talent God has given me was stolen by my fear. 

When I got back home, I couldn't even process everything that happened. Was that it? Did my music dream just ended? Was everything I have hoped for gone? I really don't know and I had no one to blame but myself. My fear got the better of me that I was deprived of being the best I could be. I don't know if I had the chance of winning the contest since there are a lot of good singers there but I was not even able to fight. I was not able to show my talent. 

Right now, I am just sad. I feel I could never sing again. Every time I tried, I am reminded of the trauma and embarrassment of that incident. Every time I try to sing that horrific incident creeps back into me. I could not even listen to any song. Every music I hear reminds me of my dream that I now don't have. Music has been a big part of my life and right now, I feel that part of me has died. I use to listen to music or watch concert or music videos every night before I sleep. I haven't slept well for the past few days. I don't know if I can listen to any song. It just hurts so much. 

I don't know if the time will come that I'll be able to listen to music again or to sing again. I don't know how to live without music in my life. I am grieving for the one thing that I have loved since I was very young. I am more lost than ever. I don't know how to get through life.

I am sorry again for writing this stuff on the blog but I really had to do something to at least alleviate the pain I am feeling right now. For those who have been following this blog because of its music content, I am really sorry but I don't think I can do it just yet.