PIECES OF ME - Dear You
I don't do this very often. I don't write letters because my hands can't write or type as fast as my mind could think. And I am trying my very best to process my thoughts into words.
I've been feeling down the last few days because of what happened to us. Or to put it more accurately, what could have happened to us. I'm feeling sad because I was hoping that there was more than to what transpired between us or at least find out what could have happened.
I admit, the way we've known each other was pretty unconventional. I know that chatting does not equate to a relationship nor does it guarantee one. I mean, what could I expect from knowing someone through a dating app right?
So there I was, a naive dating app neophyte, who was curious about the dating scene; hoping to find someone that could may be a new friend or someone to talk to or be in a relationship with. Then I met you, or rather virtual you.
We flirted, exchanged photos, called each other "babe", the usual chat stuff. I was surprised when one day, you sent me your number. I did not hesitate to send a text because I felt you were someone I could trust. And also, you trusted me with your phone number, someone you haven't actually met.
The flirting, and the texting continued. And I admit that I enjoyed it. It was fun. It was also kinda nice that there was someone who greets you every morning, someone asking you what are your plans for the day or what you're having for lunch. It felt nice when someone tells you they're on their way home from work or how bad traffic was. It was nice when someone texts you good night before you sleep. It was a feeling I haven't felt in a long time and I admit that I was eager. Too eager at times. I was unsure of what was happening but the uncertainty if where it was heading made it more exciting. I was addicted to the adrenaline rush every message you sent gave me.
But one day it stopped. I don't know why but you just stopped texting. My good morning texts nver got replies. My hi's never got their hello's back. My how are you's never got answered.
I saw your online posts about feeling alone and depressed. I asked you about it and you said you were just lonely. So maybe I thought I could be your friend. I could be someone you'd talk to but I did not get a reply after that. So i figured you needed space, and I gave it.
But the silence was deafening. I was being paranoid that something bad might have happened. And then I realized something. You were more than just a text mate to me. You were someone I truly cared about.
I was ready to jump into the unknown, that's why I asked you out. I wanted to meet you personally and just talk. I wanted to know you more. I was kinda worried you would say no but felt relieved when you agreed to meet for coffee. How stupid of me to ask you out for coffee when I don't even drink coffee. Maybe I like you too much to care.
The day came when we were supposed to meet. Again, I recieved the silent treatment. And this time, the silence was making me crazy. I thought you liked me too when you agreed to go out. I thought there was something more to our texts than just meaningless messages. So why was I getting stood up? I did not want to sound assuming so I asked you if there was anything wrong or you were just making me wait and hope in vain. You said you were busy with work and school. So again, I gave you your space. We rescheduled and again I waited.
This week was supposed to be our date. But apparently, I am getting stood up again. And honestly, I am tired of waiting when you obviously don't want me to wait for you. I am tired of waiting for your messages and I am convincing myself that you never felt the same way. I get it. You were just not that into me. But it's hard. It's hard to miss something that you thought you had but never really had anything. Yes. I still check my phone for your texts, notifications or anything that would make me feel that you still think about me. But I have to convince myself that whatever it was between us was nothing to you and I am wishing that it was nothing to me too.
I am hoping I'll be okay after this. Maybe we didn't get to meet because it was not for the best. But I hope someday, I'll meet someone who'd make me feel excited the way you did.
Why the hell do I need to write this. Closure, I guess. I think it would be easier for me to pen my thoughts rather than say it to an empty profile who I'm not sure would read my messages. And writing about it somehow validates the feeling that I am done. I am done with you and those dating apps.